Review: Vanished in the Twinkling of an Eye

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Vanished in the Twinkling of an Eye is a Christian movie about an event that is never going to take place – the rapture. Some Christians, mainly the ones wanting you to feel guilt and send them money, suggest that Jesus will come back and take all the Christians away from this evil world (where people aren’t stoning their kids to death like God wanted Abraham to do). Unfortunately, they forget that Jesus said he would return within the lifetime of the people living 2000 years ago. Oops. Pastor John Hagee is behind the development of the film.

It begins with everyone disappearing. A police station is pretty much going nuts, but not shockingly, remains almost fully staffed. In fact, only one cop seems to vanish. Hahaha

Then, John Hagee rounds the corner…uh. So he wasn’t really a Christian? Wait, he was. He says he is one of the people who was raptured. This movie is going to be difficult to understand in normal storytelling terms. Hagee said he knew this day would come, but he likely expected it to happen by now as this was released on VHS IN THE 90S. 

Pastor Hagee informs the viewers that they need to find Christ if they want to see their loved ones again. See, the thinking is that with all Christians gone, none of the fools left behind (wait, I’m going to hell for calling them fools, so uh. Stupid people) will know what to do. Luckily, they can pop in a VHS tape that was expecting the end to happen around 96. Don’t fret tho Mr Hagee. It’s been falsely prophesied to be near for the past 2000 years, back when they actually knew what the definition of NEAR was.

A lot of vehicles, air and ground, are filmed crashing. An old ass helicopter crashes.

What was this thing carrying? A Kebler elf?
//annoyedcritic.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/image1.png”> What was this thing carrying? A Kebler elf?

A

[/caption]A woman named “Janet Shit” reports for “WNN.” Pastor Hagee keeps popping up in the middle of this. Hagee states that Christian pilots will vanish. So maybe we need to be sure there is always an atheist copilot…

A woman does not look distraught at all but we are told she is, through the dialogue.

This is supposed to be
yedcritic.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/image-110.png”> This is supposed to be “hysterics”

The dumb

[/caption]The dumbest guy alive thinks he knows the answer. “We are gods,” he says. WHAT?

The detectives pick it up. They figure out all of the vanished were Christians! Of course. The detective slams the phone down and almost misses! Nobody has a microphone on. I can tell.

The European Union President shows up. He’s the anti Christ and we know this, because some evil chorus music plays.

Looks evil too
c.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/image-31.png”> Looks evil too

Pastor Hagee say

[/caption]Pastor Hagee says hey, don’t worship this guy. He’s going to steal your soul. Here’s the thing, though. Besides religious people no one randomly worships someone because they’re told to. They require proof, just like you should.

A WNN news feed is shown everywhere, including Central Park and the UN General Assembly. Fox News would be pissed, but everyone there was raptured except Alan Colmes and Bob Beckel.

The Beast convinces the fools to follow him by (shockingly) telling them that their sinful, evil behavior is actually OK.

Then, my copy of this movie includes a FULL DirectBuy commercial. Christian Networks be making bank. Robert Wagner strolls out, most famous for playing a character in Austin Powers. I think he’s peddling life insurance.

The show comes back on and, funny enough, the Baptist produced documentary shows a Jew and Catholic telling reporters that the antiChrist is the messiah!!! Because Baptist think it’s not enough that you get close to worshipping the right God – they believe you really have to go through all these precise, stupid steps just to get to the right one. And know why everyone has different ideas of how you are saved? BECAUSE THE BIBLE HAS DIFFERENT WAYS TO BE SAVED. It’s fictional.

Lots of folks believe he is the messiah. I’m getting good at predicting when John Hagee will walk back into frame. I take a drink of some lemonade that should have about double the amount of sugar in it that it does.

Pastor Hagee, already rather hefty in the 1990s, bends over to pick up the Bible. I don’t hear an “UGHHHHHHHHH” and “crackkkkk crack crack” as he stands back upright. Maybe they edited that out but the rotund Texan undoubtedly has added more mass to his figure.

Santa is deceived by the Beast.

It gets really serious when jolly Ole St Nick follows the antichrist
com/2014/04/image-41.png”> It gets really serious when jolly Ole St Nick follows the antichrist

People are labeled as haters that

[/caption]People are labeled as haters that make sense. A bunch of little Asians club some little guy. They wouldn’t be doing that shit to me. I’d pick one up in each arm and swing them.

We get a music video. It’s Christian music, so it isn’t that good. The worst part about Christian music is that people who would normally be told “You aren’t that good,” are instead encouraged. There are some great Christian performers, don’t get me wrong. I just can’t remember any of them.

A guy goes to his father’s grave and the headstone is lousy, if you ask me. The guy prays for a message and unlike in real life, God sends it to him. In reality, when you pray for something, it never comes true. I’ve actually been praying lately for God to show me he is real so I can realize I am wrong and help spread his word. Nothing. In fact, since I started reading the Bible more, I became less of a believer because I picked up on the bullshit in it.

The man, somehow, digs an entire 6 foot grave up with a mere shovel. I think I mentioned this once but I tried burying a cat in a shoe box once and it took all I could do to get that thing buried.

I’ve noticed people are being raptured but having enough time to fold their clothes up and in one case, write a note!

We close with the message of giving your life to Christ – because a fallible book that predicted he would be here 1900 years ago and he never came. Oh but he’s NEAR! He’s near! My definition of near is not 2000 years. Thanks Jesus.

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