Raw is back with actual wrestlers we want to see! Austin, HBK and Tyson. I hate the effect where they cut back and forth between DX walking out and their titantron. Makes me sick. WWF has a hand drawn logo at the entrance. HBK calls out Iron Mike Tyson. The glass breaks. Rattlesnake is out. Then Kane comes out and says he will kill Stone Cold tonight. Austin says JR makes him sick!! Me too. He says he will kill Kane back. Tyson arrives.
We come back with Michael Coles microphone off. The New Age Outlaws come out with neck braces on. I need to shit. They show us camera footage of Foley and Funk going nuts on them. The Outlaws face the DOA. On these beautiful Titan bikes. Mid-match, Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie jump out of their house.
The DOA wins but Cactus Jacks music plays. Sable’s globe breasts are up next.
Marvelous Marc Mero is out but sends Sable back as a “Home Depot sucks” sign sneaks into frame. He faces Tom Brandy. But it all falls apart when Luna then Goldust then Sable are out. Sable is really getting hot crowd reactions at this point, behind only Austin probably.
It’s Owen Hart vs Mark Henry. It’s a back and forth for a few minutes with Chyna watching. I think something happened.
Headbangers and Taka Stinkonochu face The Rock n Old Express and Barry Windham for like the 80th time. Taka says “You Jackash” to Jim Cornette. The NWA gimmick was in its death throes. Headbangers and Taka win.
It’s Warzone time, from Cleveland. Vince McMahon comes out (to booes) to bring Tyson out. WWE Network dubs in Money Mayweathers theme. DX interrupts things just as I wish Taco Bell delivered. It’s the thing where HBK calls out Tyson in a fight he would die in, in reality. There is a sign that says “Bret IQuitMan Hart”. Tyson has a huge zit under his arm. Shawn practically mounts him.
We see Tyson and DX celebrating with Tyson saying Steve Austin is dead meat.
Kama Mustafa faces undefeated Steve Blackman. The Rock is also out, with the Nation. Crowd is dead. A dumbass fan keeps shouting BORING in a long annoying voice. That wouldn’t have worked if I was near him. The Nation saves Kama and beat up Blackman until Shamrock, shirtless for some reason yet in sweat pants, runs out to save the fellow martial artist. We see Stone Cold as we go to break.
Colonel Robert Parker is out!! But as Tennessee Lee. I hear his dick is huge. Disproportionate. Double J is out – in his old 1995 flashy gear. I stomp a spider at this point of the review. I couldn’t get him off of my shoe. King sells all of Double Js interview. Flash Funk faces Double J. Jeff Jarrett wins the squash. We learn that some woman no one cares about will be at mania. Gennifer Flowers. However, her segment with the Rock will be the birth of Do You Smell What The Rock Is Cooking.
Kane is out to fight Stone Cold and send him to hell. But as Austin walks out, HBK hits him with a little Sweet Chin Music. Dickhead HBK.
Kane beats up a fake fan. Then he demands a ten bell salute to Undertaker and kills Mark Yeaton. It turns dark and Undertakers gong starts playing. He apparently didn’t care about anyone enough to save them though. Taker tells Kane off and says he’ll kill him at Wrestlemania.