I don’t know how Jurassic World has become one of the top grossing films ever, considering how it sucks ass.
The movie has nothing believable in it. Not even the situations are believable. I fell asleep about 9 hours into the movie or that’s what it felt like.
Here, let me spoil it all for you. The whole movie.
A new, genetically engineered super-t-rex with cloaking device from Star Trek has been made. Kids are vacationing. Sweaty dirty shirt mustache guy is training raptors which would NEVER work. Guess who escapes captivity? The super t-rex. Guess who has to save the day? Mustache.
Now, if you listen to the old Jurassic Park theme song and read that paragraph, you’ve gotten the entire experience of this fucking movie. But it gets worse.
Anne Heche is shit-mom who sends her kids away to her even shittier sister. The sister also helps run Jurassic World, which is the fourth incantation of the absolutely awful idea of a park of dinosaurs. You know, around the 1st time they escaped and ate people, that shit would be over. We’re on the 4th time. I expect more, too. So shitty sister, who is so detailed that she brings itineraries on DATES, well she fucks up and double books herself. So she leaves the kids with an assistant, who I’m pretty sure died from being thrown around by flying things but they dropped her in water, like that would make it less bad. Nah, she’s drowning now, on top of the miserable death.
So while watching this, I kept repeating a question to myself:
How many fucking parks can have dinosaurs break out and be interesting to film audiences?
(Evidently, a fucking lot)
Another thing to bitch about, none of the special effects seem ANY better than the first Jurassic Park movie!!! The dinosaurs still look fucking fake! It’s obvious they aren’t even close to being real. Then, they’ll have a prosthetic brontosaur head that can double for a talking penis monster and it looks perfectly real. Then, we cut to some shit about like The Incredibles in real life and I’m supposed to believe it?
The script was boring. “I’m gonna go do that.” “You’re going to go do that.” It wasn’t creatively written and the dialogue was boring to tears at some point. Don’t even get me started on the acting. You don’t need to go to acting school anymore, folks. Just quit fucking bothering, if this is going to be the standard.
I rate this movie a 3/10, and I don’t know why I really gave it 3. Maybe because it wasn’t bad as Terminator Genisys. Still, pretty bad movie.