Jurassic World blew.

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I don’t know how Jurassic World has become one of the top grossing films ever, considering how it sucks ass.

The movie has nothing believable in it. Not even the situations are believable. I fell asleep about 9 hours into the movie or that’s what it felt like.

Here, let me spoil it all for you. The whole movie.

A new, genetically engineered super-t-rex with cloaking device from Star Trek has been made. Kids are vacationing. Sweaty dirty shirt mustache guy is training raptors which would NEVER work. Guess who escapes captivity? The super t-rex. Guess who has to save the day? Mustache.

Now, if you listen to the old Jurassic Park theme song and read that paragraph, you’ve gotten the entire experience of this fucking movie. But it gets worse.

Anne Heche is shit-mom who sends her kids away to her even shittier sister. The sister also helps run Jurassic World, which is the fourth incantation of the absolutely awful idea of a park of dinosaurs. You know, around the 1st time they escaped and ate people, that shit would be over. We’re on the 4th time. I expect more, too. So shitty sister, who is so detailed that she brings itineraries on DATES, well she fucks up and double books herself. So she leaves the kids with an assistant, who I’m pretty sure died from being thrown around by flying things but they dropped her in water, like that would make it less bad. Nah, she’s drowning now, on top of the miserable death.

So while watching this, I kept repeating a question to myself:

How many fucking parks can have dinosaurs break out and be interesting to film audiences?

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(Evidently, a fucking lot)

Another thing to bitch about, none of the special effects seem ANY better than the first Jurassic Park movie!!! The dinosaurs still look fucking fake! It’s obvious they aren’t even close to being real. Then, they’ll have a prosthetic brontosaur head that can double for a talking penis monster and it looks perfectly real. Then, we cut to some shit about like The Incredibles in real life and I’m supposed to believe it?

An actual Jurassic World special effects shot. The bad special effects are hard to miss with a keen eye...
An actual Jurassic World special effects shot. The bad special effects are hard to miss with a keen eye…

The script was boring. “I’m gonna go do that.” “You’re going to go do that.” It wasn’t creatively written and the dialogue was boring to tears at some point. Don’t even get me started on the acting. You don’t need to go to acting school anymore, folks. Just quit fucking bothering, if this is going to be the standard.

I rate this movie a 3/10, and I don’t know why I really gave it 3. Maybe because it wasn’t bad as Terminator Genisys. Still, pretty bad movie.

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4 thoughts on “Jurassic World blew.”

  1. The reason Jurassic World made a shit-load of money is because kids want to see dinosaurs chasing people. Michael Bay’s Transformers movies make a billion because kids want to see giant robots doing battle. The only reason I went to see Jurassic World is because a lot of feminists were angry about it. I’m glad I did. I wrote a short on it called “Why a Women Needs a Man.” Here is the link if you would like to read it: https://christopherjohnlindsay.wordpress.com/2015/06/23/jurassic-world/

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I like your review style, Annoyed Critic. Would love to have you also share your reviews on reviewcreep.com and get you some free exposure. The easiest way to get started is by using your existing review blog posts since you’ve already done the work… just enter your wordpress blog url when it asks for it during the quick signup… it will make it easy to add all your existing reviews. Our marketing team is going to be sending out the top reviews in a daily/weekly curated email to our entire list.

    Liked by 1 person

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