Star Wars The Force Awakens fucking completely sucked. It wasn’t as awful as the prequels, which George Lucas should have been ran over…over….but the movie blew. However, you know me, your trustworthy Critic, and I will give you a spoiler-free review. Just click read more.

The Character in the Poster Above DIES!

So the movie opens to me realizing that sitting at the edge of the theater with 3D goggles on means the glare from the bright ass floor lights for the people without self-control will ruin half of the movie. Yes, I saw it in 3-Dickmensional. I’ll have to tell you, there were a few scenes where a Star Destroyer came at the camera and I had to put my hand on the chick’s titty to my right because it was so real.

The movie forces new characters to take over the roles of old characters. First, the Stormtroopers aren’t clones now and that’s explained away with one single line. A young black man is getting sick of how the Empire is being shitheads. Or the First Order, now. I don’t fucking know. I liked the character a lot but the racists were pissed online because one of them blacks was in the movie! I love when movies piss off dumbass racists or homophobes. And if you know a Star Wars fan that hates interracial marriage, they’ll HATE this movie because our Stormtrooper friend gets him a white wimmins!

So the Empire hasn’t learned from the first two times they built a giant spherical superweapon with a single spot that can be hit to destroy it all. Yep, we get another fucking version of the Death Star but oh this time, it is BIGGER. YEAH. And it drains stars and instead of shooting one planet, it’ll hit like three or four with a snaking energy beam. It looks cool but it is unoriginal as fuck and you know it.

The Empire also still hasn’t learned that being a fucking asshole bag of dicks is not how you win over people to your cause.

So the little kickball droid is now the main-droid character. R2-D2 is a garbage can in this for most of the movie and C-3PO, thankfully, is not much of a nuisance in this like he has been for six other movies, now. There is no Binks in this movie.

The Millennium Falcon gets handed down to the Jedi-girl and it is very set up. You feel it from a mile away.

Also, how is it that the Force makes people capable sword fighters with zero training, now? It has never worked like that. People trained from birth and gave up sex to do this. There’s no way this chick is a virgin! Yoda would not allow it. But she whips Kylo Renns ass, who is Han Solo’s son by the way.

Now to talk about that bullshit. We have a long, pointless, railless bridge. You know as soon as Han and Kylo walk down it that someone isn’t walking off of it. Sure enough, it is Han. He gets stabbed in his old guts and tries to make out with his son for some reason before falling a million miles just so we get the point that he is dead, even though Luke survived something just about the same in Empire Strikes Back. The blade would have cauterized the wound. Anyway, I’ve not ruled out some cheesy return of Han but I hope he’s really dead. I’m just mean.

The movie ends with Mark Hamill getting a wicked payday for just taking his hoodie off and not shaving. He looks at the new Jedi girl who is like hey, here is your weapon. He just looks at her like “Huuuuuh???” and the movie goes off.

At this point, everyone in the theater started applauding. I didn’t understand why, except that maybe they were happy that it was over like I was. I’ve really seen far better movies than this but one thing I will say, fucking JJ Abrahams made a better movie than the shit-ass prequels.