Wrestlemania XXX and the things that went wrong

download

Wrestlemania XXX begins with a XXX home movie star, Hulk Hogan. The idiot comes down to the ring and says he’s proud to be in “the Silverdome.” The crowd of 75,000 people erupt in laughter. Hogan, an idiot to the core, says it again. Silverdome. The crowd loses it. Some start booing the old fool. Hogan goes “I…I’m sorry the Superdome.” And turns so red, Hulk Rules in yellow font looked to be painted on his body. Austin comes out, the crowd wants him to kill Hogan but he doesn’t. Then the Rock does. Classic moment (Hogan fucked it up tho).

Something tells me there is product placement here.

Diet Mountain Dew - Why not just drink urine?
Diet Mountain Dew – Why not just drink urine?

We get the first of several “smh” moments as we hear “YEStlemania” from Lawler. Triple H begins against Daniel Bryan, who has stolen the Beserker’s boots.

Bad idea on those boots
Bad idea on those boots

Since Bryan is injured, it is important that he put one layer of gauze over his shoulder, then across his chest. Since this moment will last forever, it’s good to make it look like stupid shit. “Have you been drinking milk from forgetful cows?” King says, out loud. “Cerebral Sassassin” says JBL who is drunk. An audible Triple H chant actually breaks out, proving the fans are idiotic and fickle.

HHH hits a weird arm slam move that is fake on Bryan. Diet Mountain Dew, likely warm, is next to him in the shot. There is not a worse soft drink when it is warm.

image (13)

We get a cross face and multiple German suplexes in a row. Benoit? The announcers, three, continue a very annoying trend where they are all so silent, we can hear the wrestlers calling spots to each other. Bryan wins and the crowd pops as big as I’ve seen, for a win, ever. This would be a lot more subdued later, yet I have to applaud the wisdom of giving the fresh crowd this match, to get that visual of the whole place, full of energy, chanting “YES.”

The tools chant for CM Punk. We see a commercial.

The Shield quickly beats the New Age Outlaws and Kane with a 5 man-move.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan beats Sgt. Slaughter, in a Slam City match but a Wrestlemania match none-the-less. The Million Dollar Man buys the set, because you can buy things forcibly from people.

The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal is next and the ring is so full, you can’t see anything going on. It’s a clusterfuck. Khali is always about to fall down and hits Brodus Clays fat ass on the way down. Cesaro wins the battle by slamming Big Show over the top rope – to an enormous pop.

The song “Legacy” by Eminem is the theme to John Cena vs Bray Wyatt. Funny enough, we only ever hear some lady singing. I don’t understand why people say “errr” in songs. Some voodoo shit opens up the next segment, likely for John Cena, as 666 is incorporated into his main logo:

cena666

It’s actually for Bray Wyatt, though. Cena comes out, having not altered his gimmick even a little since 2005. The crowd so just doesn’t even care about him. But take note – WWE won’t take a risk and turn Cena heel. Oh no. They’ll take their big risk coming up in the next match. Cena wins and thinks about using a chair – but doesn’t really. So he’s still good. Blah.

We see the Hall of Fame class, which I will review separately. But the Warrior disappoints everyone alive by not running out with face paint on. He probably can’t run – because when you abuse steroids for your adult life, there can’t me anything left of your bones.

The big one begins. And the greatest pre match promo ever airs. During Takers entrance, we hear someone shouting “Out of the way, out of the way!” The match gets going. At some point, Undertaker gets a concussion, from the talk online. Taker goes for Hells Gate and Cole goes NUTS. Brock doesn’t hit a good powerbomb and they repeat the entire spot. Taker just looks like he can barely hold himself up. You can hear the wrestlers talking. The dumb ass crowd seems intent on watching and not reacting. There is one guy in particular I’m getting really sick of.

HIM

What a douche faced fuck. Wipe that stupid grin off your face, idiot. You’re not cool or clever. Throughout the event, I’ve observed this guy “explaining it all” to his friends. He is grinning non stop and when he turns his head sideways, it’s too thin in the middle.

Taker barely hits a Tombstone on Lesnar. He looks weak. Brock wins. We get a close up of my favorite person. He’s talking like you would expect from a big mouth idiot.

Whoever sat next to him probably hated himself this whole show.
Whoever sat next to him probably hated himself this whole show.

Eat,” Cole begins, notably in tone.

I can’t….I can’t believe it.” King interrupts, too ignorant to realize Cole is doing Brock’s line.

Sleep,” Cole continues, “Conquer the Streak.” It’s cheesy. “It’s like the wind has been taken out of my sails,” King says. I can hear that one being played over-and-over…not.

During the moment, a fan tells Undertaker that he sucks. It’s basically on microphone.

Then, we find out that WWE plans to hold a Wrestlemania next year, with the shittiest logo ever that includes a PLAY button, on March 25th…

image (4)

Can’t wait to watch Wrestlemania 31…on a WEDNESDAY.

March 2015 calendar

Of course, they got it fixed the next night on Raw…

image (9)

So what comes after we end a 22 year Wrestlemania tradition in the most showing Mania moment ever?

The Divas.

Because the writers didn’t put any thought into the Divas division, a match featuring 14 Divas is next for the Divas title. We basically get two battle royals. And the fans chant for Undertaker, many quite angrily. The announcers are just silent. Rosa Mendez looks like a misfit. Eva Marie hits on Tamina. One of the Bella’s reveals a whore tattoo on her pubic region. Tamina knocks the breath out of Natalya, then takes a fall that should have broke her wrist. Vince, already abandoning the teased Tamina Snuka push, let’s AJ Lee win by submission, a theoretical impossibility in a 14 person free-for-all.

Howdy Partner
Howdy Partner

Mr. Wonderful, Paul Orndorff accidentally equips his Zeb Coulter-mustache from the character loadout screen. It really was nice of him to make time for Wrestlemania, though, during his busy life in the Olde West. Mr. T comes up, with one line to say. “I pity the fool who start trouble with my man, Hulk.” Since the mic wasn’t quite in front of his face when he said it, he repeats the line. “You heard me. I pity the fool who start trouble with my man, Hulk” in case we forgot that this segment was written. Hogan calls Mr. Wonderful, “Orn-DOFF.”

We see some legends at ringside, including Bob Backlund, who is senile.

image (6)

Next, Orton’s band, without any introduction, plays his entire theme song. The guy gets about 12 times the camera time as the WWE World champ. Batista comes out. Major boos. He has a little dick.

Little DickTista
Little DickTista

He trips getting into the ring. Finally, Daniel Bryan comes back out. Orton and Batista, in an exchange, screw up when Orton fails to break the steps apart. Batista has to pull them apart, is weak and barely can. Bryan is injured. @RagingRedHulk predicts that he will be off the gurney halfway up the ramp. He ends up being wrong. It’s just on the other side of the ring. Hunter and Stephanie make a predictable appearance. Bryan wins and the crowd pops – but in my opinion, not nearly as much as they would have, if not for the end of the streak.

So, it was a very memorable Wrestlemania. And a very fun one, until the end of The Streak. I think that was a necessary choice – and it will cement this as the most historical Wrestlemania since Wrestlemania 3. But if you asked me to sum this event up in one word, what would it be?

Silverdome.

Edit: The very tragic news of the Ultimate Warrior’s passing came just days after his return to WWE. To anyone reading this, it is not natural to die at 54. Don’t use and abuse drugs to achieve physical results. The baddest dudes on the planet don’t need major muscles – they can be found in dojos and on mats twisting and maneuvering limbs and bodies to defeat themselves. My prayers are with him and his family.

Advertisements

One thought on “Wrestlemania XXX and the things that went wrong”

  1. This was the first proper WrestleMania match for Natalya Neidhart, because the Miss WrestleMania Battle Royal from WrestleMania 25 doesn’t count.

    Like

Say something! Comment here

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s