Anytime I think of my human body or anyone elses, I think about how gross it innately is. Just to live, we have to put cooked meat of a murdered animal in our mouths, mush it together, digest it and leave it in a toilet in the stinkiest form ever. We’re nasty.

I’ve made a list of the grossest human body parts, ranked from the least to the most gross.

Nose – Noses are nasty. They have a lot of dirt-gathering pores and they produce snot and boogers. They even have staph in it.

Belly Button – A gross hole filled with sweat, fuzz, lint, hair…nasty. I want mine removed.

Mouth – Probably the most bacterial place on the body is the human mouth. Stinky, nasty, filthy, infectious and vile.

Armpits – This part of the body just sucks. It’s so stinky, we have to buy specific chemicals to mask the stink. Some people are too stupid to and need killing.

Ears – It might surprise you but ears are so nasty, I clean mine out about 5 times a day. If you ever put your finger in your ear and smell it, it stinks bad and anyone with gross ears just spreads nausea.

Dick/Balls – Now, I don’t have any experience smelling others so I’m basing this on two things – what I’ve heard from skanky chicks and how much time and effort I put into keeping my own enormous pair clean. You gotta scrub your cockles daily if it is going to be around anyone else. Piss comes out of it, jizz, sweat and if you’re getting laid, it’s going into the GROSSEST THING EVER – PUSS.

Feet – I hate feet. I wish they didn’t exist.They’re the lowest part of the body and are probably universally the stinkiest (besides assholes).

Asshole – Shit comes out of it and most people don’t spend a tenth of the effort they should to wash it. My ass is so clean, you could eat food off of it. But there are people out there who smell like they don’t even wipe. I saw a man once who fucking smelled like he just shit himself and he was talking proud like he was smart and knew shit. Well if you’re so fucking smart, how about not shitting yourself dummy? That’s what I was thinking.

Pussy – The grossest human body part I have ever witnessed or smelled was a pussy. I don’t want to identify the person to whom it belonged so we will be vague and just code name the girl something she would never identify. Samantha from the Tanning Salon. So Samantha from the Tanning Salon’s pants came off and as God as my witness, I had to open windows in my WHOLE HOUSE to air it out. It smelled like the type of ground beef that is, oh, SITTING OUT IN THE SUN AND ROTTING FOR WEEKS. I bet Gil Grissom would have gagged at that smell.

You know it’s bad when the question of “What does it smell like” usually gets answered with “Pussy” – because that’s another way of saying “AWFUL.” Most pussies rank from -10 to -100000000 on the stink scale, with 0 being bearable. I’ve been with one girl EVER (1/20) that didn’t stink. I asked her what was up with her. She didn’t know.

I want a robot body now. I want my brain put in a robody (I just created that phrase on accident, while nearly shitting myself, I’m really rushing this last part because I gotta gooooo).