“Unless you want to keep believing in me” should also be included in the dust.
Going through the Bible and discovering inaccuracies is a rewarding experience for a lifetime “Christian” but one who never understood or had that feeling that it was true. This blows the minds of Christians, to denial, name-calling or sometimes, apologetics where they will reference another verse that makes no sense still as to why the first was written, chant something about a context or just say it was different times. Which is it? The divine inspired WORD OF GOD or men from different times? Let’s journey into some Bible facts, fun and ultimately, fiction.
Remember, this is only a look at contradictions within the Bible itself. For a look at ridiculous Bible verses, check this series out.
1. The Bible says God told David to take a census of Israel. It also says Satan was the one who told him to do that!
Again the anger of the LORD burned against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, “Go and take a census of Israel and Judah.” 2 Samuel 24:1
Except….
Satan rose up against Israel and incited David to take a census of Israel. 1 Chronicles 21:1
Folks, this is as clear as it gets. AS CLEAR AS IT GETS. It will never get any more obvious that the Bible is phony, incorrect and man-made bullshit than right here. You don’t have to believe me, believe your book. Which is it? Satan or God? Can’t be both!
2. The Bible says God sent a prophet to threaten three years of famine. It also says the prophet said seven years of famine.
Either three years’ famine; or three months to be destroyed before thy foes, while that the sword of thine enemies overtaketh thee; or else three days the sword of the LORD, even the pestilence, in the land, and the angel of the LORD destroying throughout all the coasts of Israel. Now therefore advise thyself what word I shall bring again to him that sent me. 1 Chronicles 21:12 (KJV)
But wait, there’s more!
So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days’ pestilence in thy land? now advise, and see what answer I shall return to him that sent me. 2 Samuel 24:13 (KJV)
Now, we can clearly see the error in this one. What bothers me is that newer editions of the Bible CORRECT THE MISTAKE.
“So Gad went to David and said to him, “Shall there come on you three years of famine in your land?…” – NIV.
“So Gad came to David and asked him, “Will you choose three years of famine throughout your land,…” – NLT.
“So Gad came to David and told him, and said to him, “Shall three years of famine come to you in your land?…” – ESV
I get a betrayed, sickening feeling when I see that happening. Translators recognizing erroneous information in the “HOLY INSPIRED WORD OF GOD” and changing it to be right. You should be ashamed of yourself if you recognize that they fix mistakes and still take this as the Holy book.
3. The Bible says Uzziah was the son of Jehoram. It also says Uzziah was the son of Amaziah. Both can’t be true.
Then all the people of Judah took Uzziah, who was sixteen years old, and made him king in place of his father Amaziah. 2 Chronicles 26:1 (NIV)
UH OH!
Asa the father of Jehoshaphat, Jehoshaphat the father of Jehoram, Jehoram the father of Uzziah, Matthew 1:8 (NIV)
This is cut and dry. Won’t waste a lot of time here because you can’t have two fathers (UNLESS THEY WERE GAY! LOL).
4. Jesus told his disciples to bring a staff with them. The Bible also says that Jesus told his disciples not to bring a staff with them.
These were his instructions: “Take nothing for the journey except a staff–no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Mark 6:8 (NIV)
Take only a staff, gotcha Jesus…
no bag for the journey or extra shirt or sandals or a staff, for the worker is worth his keep. Matthew 10:10 (NIV)
Wait, what? You just told me I could bring one! This is just some more of the Bible at it’s best, not even able to be made sense of when you line the two verses up. Do you feel betrayed yet?
5. The Bible says John the Baptist recognized Jesus when he saw Him. The Bible also says John The Baptist SAID he didn’t recognize him.
But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?” Matthew 3:14 (NIV)
So, John the Baptist laid eyes on Jesus and immediately said Hey, you’re the one who should be baptizing me!!! Except…
I did not recognize him as the Messiah, but I have been baptizing with water so that he might be revealed to Israel.” John 1:31 (NLT)
Wait, here, John the Baptist says he DIDN’T recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Again, another case of “both can’t be true.” This is why my instincts tell me the stories were all written far after the alleged events took place.
6. The Bible says Jesus carried his own cross to the crucifiction. The Bible also says a guy named Simon carried the Cross. Both can’t be true!
Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull (which in Aramaic is called Golgotha). John 19:17 (NIV)
Along the way, they came across a man named Simon, who was from Cyrene, and the soldiers forced him to carry Jesus’ cross. Matthew 27:32 (NLT)
Why is reading so hard for Christians? Or reading comprehension? Evidently, God only wants dumbasses in Heaven. (which sounds like a shitty place anyway)
7. The Bible says the men who were with Paul on the road to Damascus heard no voice. The Bible also says the men heard a voice.
And the men which journeyed with him stood speechless, hearing a voice, but seeing no man. Acts 9:7 (KJV)
And they that were with me saw indeed the light, and were afraid; but they heard not the voice of him that spake to me. Acts 22:9 (KJV)
Another one that newer versions try to pollute by rewriting it and making it slightly more vague. Listen, the King James Version says it as clear as anything and if you’re ever not sure, just Google the verse and look at the translations on BibleHub or something. It’s a “Christian” site or is supposed to be (it aids me in proving the Bible wrong more than any tool).
8. The Bible says Judas bought a field with his money for betraying Jesus. The Bible also says Judas threw the money in a temple and killed himself! No field!
(With the payment he received for his wickedness, Judas bought a field; there he fell headlong, his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out. Acts 1:18 (NIV)
So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself. Matthew 27:5 (NIV)
Happy Easter everyone – ITS FAKE. The story is so clearly written by men, not particularly smart ones either, that it tells exact opposite versions of things that went down. Both can’t be the word of God. If one isn’t, neither are, because God wouldn’t have let them be coupled together. Also, look at this barbaric shit. You let your kids read that? Shame on you.
9. The Bible says a Roman guard point out that he thought Jesus was an innocent man. The Bible also says the Roman guard said he was the Son of God, instead.
Now when the centurion saw what had happened, he began praising God, saying, “Certainly this man was innocent.” Luke 23:47 (NASB)
When the centurion, who was standing right in front of Him, saw the way He breathed His last, he said, “Truly this man was the Son of God!” Mark 15:39 (NASB)
Once again, a case of “multiple stories” from multiple books. The Divine Inspired Word of God wouldn’t have this problem. It’s make believe.
10. The Bible says Jesus’s last words were “It is finished.” The Bible also says Jesus’s last words were NOT “It is finished.”
Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last. Luke 23:46 (NIV)
When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. John 19:30 (NIV)
Man it sucks when people can put two Bible verses back to back and show the blatant contradiction, doesn’t it?
If you like this, hang around for more good stuff to come. Visit the Atheism page for different tidbits, articles and fun. We’re devoted to the truth here.
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“The Bible says God told David to take a census of Israel. It also says Satan was the one who told him to do that!” You are mistaken that this is a contradiction. Satan was one of the Sons of God and was doing God’s will. This is also evident in Job when Satan comes in with the Sons of God to present himself. Also in the story of Balaam and his magical talking donkey, if you read the Hebrew you will see that the Angel of the Lord in the story is actually… guess who, yep it is Satan again. Even the evil spirits sent by God to torment King Saul were God’s agents. Satan’s role was the tempter of man, man’s adversary, however he was doing this all as God’s agent, so therefore there is no contradiction for your first one, since the verse that says Satan got David to do the numbering just further clarifies how God achieved this. Many times when God has got some dirty work to do that would put him in an awkward position of lying or deceiving he instead sends one of his minions to do the dirty work for him much like a mob boss would send one of his guys to do the dirty work. What it does show however is that there is this great big hole in Christian theology pertaining to the role of Satan. So actually what is first perceived as a contradiction is much worse than a mere contradiction, since it completely destroys the Christian view of Satan.
Re: Jesus told his disciples to bring a staff with them. The Bible also says that Jesus told his disciples not to bring a staff with them.
Your argument doesn’t prove that Jesus contradicting himself but that you discovered an inferior Bible translation, the NIV. There is no contradiction in the King James version:
Mat 10:10 (KJV) – [Take no] scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves
Mrk 6:8-9 (KJV) – [Jesus told them to] take nothing for their journey, save a staff only… But be shod with sandals; and not put on two coats.
The KJV doesn’t contradict because it differentiates between singular/plural “staff/staves” (which can be derived from the context of the Greek) and different types of footwear “shoes/sandals” (Greek: hypodema/sandalion).