Decided to review an episode of Raw, randomly. We open with Mike Tyson, rapist, beating the arm of Shane McMahon up. Then the next night we see Austin and TYSON get into it…because Austin didn’t like Mike Tyson being into his ring. He flips him off and Tyson shoves him so goddamn hard, Austin looked legit hurt. Why didn’t they do Tyson vs Austin? Literally, Tyson probably could have out worked injured HBK. We are promised…Don King on Raw.!?.
The show open still has Bret Hart despite him being in DubyaCeeDubya. Raw is in…Davis California. JR hesitates saying it because it’s not a real place, just made up from one of their 7 show-taping.
The black supremacist faction featuring Dwayne Johnson comes out. Next Ken Shamrock comes out, very over. He’s joined by…Ahmed Johnson, who comes out before his music hits. He’s sporting a wedgie from hell.
Then the biker gang DOA comes out. They’re on bikes that are loud and cool because noise. Rock looks bad ass and cool. Mark Henry has no knee pads which is a great way to look silly, Cody Rhodes. Kevin Kelly sounds too much like Michael Cole. We get a Bill Clinton reference from JR. Match ends in a big brawl.
We get a recap of the Undertaker vs Kane feud up until this point. Just some great storytelling.
Next, the great gimmick of the NWA meets LOD. The flashing lights of LODs entrance gives me a headache. This gimmick and stable was ridiculous. You hear about how great WWF was at this time with Austin Tyson but this shit was lame. Cornette says this is the only NWA and that the WCW isn’t. And get this – Barry Windham beats the LOD with the tennis racket.
Hunter Helmsley takes his pants off and we see his thong tan as we go to commercial.
Next, we recap the Austin/Tyson clash from the previous week. Tyson shoves Mike Chioda hard! HHH calls Owen Hart “Mr Hankey.” HBK suggests Austin And Tyson wrestle at Mania with HBK as the special referee. Keeps the belt on him…
Goldust dressed as Vader wrestles Vader next. Michael Cole manages to call Vader a Kodiak bear twice in a sentence. As Vader is about to win, Kane comes out. Vader does a weird pile driver on him after a wedgie. Kane no sells and tombstones him barely.
We hear a weird eavesdropping moment with Foley and Funk talking about their characters in 3rd person from earlier in the day.
Time for Warzome! It’s more intense because the music is more yelly.
New Age Outlaws come out talking about dicks and wearing catchers outfits. They’ll face Chainsaw Charlie and Cactus Jack. King says Terry Funk has been getting his butt kicked since Flipper was a minnow. Foley digs in Road Dogs pants and pulls a cup out. Looks weird. Outlaws win by dq, an hour after they should have.
A teaser for the first ever No Way Out PPV. A weird Stat Wars promo for Taka Michinoku airs with him struggling to say “Shobba knocka”
Honkey Tonk Man is in the ring, randomly ring announcing. Oh he’s introducing his nephew Brian Christopher. King denies its his son. Christopher and Pantera put on a bad ass match, including a sunset flip powerbomb on the outside! King says Pantera is breaking rules like they’re piñatas. Panera Bread wins! King punches him out!! He says that’s how he congratulates people.
The Outlaws and DX attack Foley and Funk.
Headbangers, former Tag Champs, face the Quebecers, who I totally forgot wrestled in 1998 in WWF. Head Bangers win clean in a match that felt rushed.
Our main event is HHH vs Owen Hart but it’s Goldust, dressed as Hunter. He wears a prosthetic nose. We get some nose jokes about HHH, who I believe had a nose job at some point. King says there’s nothing wrong with the Hart family that arsenic couldn’t cure. There’s an El Niño reference to confirm we are in 1998. “Don’t look up, you’ll punch a hole in the ozone layer!” King tells Hunterdust. A CM Punk chant breaks out. We go to break as we learn Stone Cold and Don King are still to come.
My stomach is upset at this point of the review. Owen wins with a sharpshooter. HHH and HBK berate him from backstage. Chyna has a moose knuckle. Sgt. Slaughter awards the European title to Owen Hart.
We recap last weeks Austin and Tyson battle once again. We go to break one final time.
Don King says Tyson can’t fight but he and Vince McMahon are going to work together to put things together about 90 times. The taped shit ends and Austin comes out.
Austin cuts a big promo calling Mike Tyson out and saying he will beat him up and stuff. Strange considering how much they teased Tyson/Austin. And the show ends.