Raw is live from Phoenix, Arizona. Sold out, too. On a Tuesday. Ken Shamrock comes out in his street clothes. Shamrock delivers a shit interview but The Great One comes out. Before his music hits actually, still the Nation theme. The Rock delivers pure gold on the mic. Rock is over so much as a heel, at this point, that he probably had more heat than HBK. Shamrock has 2 minutes to beat DLo and just as he is about to, Rock slams him with two chair shots. The second one was brutal to Shamrocks skull, directly, head on.

We are told that Shamrock has a concussion. I believe it fully. He’s lucky he isn’t dead. Sables music hits and…

HUGE POP. I’m telling you, Austin sized pop. She is good on the mic, too. She plays it perfectly. She challenges Luna to a fight tonight!

The Phoenix Gorilla comes down from the ceiling, frighteningly fast. He’s really smart to be able to do all of this. Tom Brandi is in the ring and Tennessee Lee brings out Double J. Double J comes out on a horse, flashing lights and all. He wins with a figure four.

Another interview with The Rock. It’s great. A retrospective video of HBK airs.

Next up something new. The Headbangers vs Rock n Roll Express…with Jim Cornette. If you’ve read previous weeks, you know this match has occurred for every event since 1998 began. I’m sweating. Headbangers win again. Then the new Midnight Express I’m Bob Holly and Bart Gunn beat up the Bangerz. Then they beat up the Rock n Roll Express. I smelled it coming. I also hit myself in the eye on accident and ruined the rest of my day.

As expected Kane comes out to kill the gorilla finally. Michael Cole says “this isn’t monkey business anymore.” I hated him during this time.

Warzone time. Owen Hart will open the show to join JR and King on commentary. Billy Gunn faces Terry Funk. Beats him up while Road Dogg talks on the mic. The point in all of this was to hang Road Dogg by his feet upside down in a deadly stunt.

Vince McMahon comes down to a chorus of booes. He says he didn’t punch Stone Cold because he didn’t want to punch his jaw. He says he doesn’t want Austin to be champion.

We get to enjoy the worst rap video ever for Mike Tyson

We get a retrospective video on Stone Cold. This Raw sucks.

Triple H comes out to berate Owen Hart and challenge him to a title match. I don’t think they liked each other. Owen beat him up despite the cast. I would bet Owen was a shooter. The bell rings! I guess it’s official. Chyna swings a plastic ball bat that folds along Owens leg. HHH puts Owen in a leg move and the ref awards the match and European title to HHH, just like that! Owen looks pretty bad. Hey good one Cunter.

Luna and Sable in the main event – actually it’s just a scuffle. Not a match because…

Sable is hot though. Lots of cheers. They conclude with Sable hurting her knee…then Kane coming out!!! Will he kill Sable?! Will he rape her!? King is surprised Mero sticks by Sable “Because of how she’s treated him lately.” Mero takes off!!! Or going to get help…lol…

But we hear the music! Of The TAKER. Undertaker is on top of the titantron. He says a bunch of satanic shit. “Devil satan evil lucifer” he says. Rest. In. Peace. And a lightening bolt strikes an effigy of Kane (Jr explains. It botches and doesn’t catch on fire at first). Raw ends.

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Absolute shit Raw. The final moments were somewhat decent but really, not even that much. 4/10 Raw.