In Your House 3 is from Saginaw, Michigan. We are guaranteed to gave a title-change in our main-event, a Triple Header match…right? No. We will get fucked. Vince McMahon will actually totally take a dump on the finish the next night on Raw.

We begin with Waylon Mercy vs Savio Vega. I guess Mercy is a country psychopath. He squishes worms and that’d probably not fly in 2015. Interestingly, the character didn’t go far and I never knew why. As a kid, I just assumed Mercy went insane. Doc Hendrix interrupt us to tell us that Owen Hart isn’t here here yet and the main event could be in jeopardy. King HATES Vega’s hair and suspects it may have been cut in a pet shop. Vega wins, giving Mercy his first defeat, with a spinning heel kick.

A backstage interview where Monsoon says the fans won’t get ripped off. Yeah right.

Sycho Sid comes out, managed by Ted Dibease. He had been slopped on an episode of Superstars by Henry Godwin, from Bitters, Arkansas. I grew up near a town named Biggers and someone lied once and said they knew Henry Godwin. Liar. Also, redneck. JR says this will be a “Slobberknocker” and both King and Vince exclaim “What?” Sid wins with a picture-perfect power bomb but Henry slops Million Dollar Man. Dibease can’t pull a simple bucket off of his head for like ten seconds.

More backstage with James E Cornette and Gorilla Monsoon. Cornette has to find a partner for Yokozuna, which will be the “out” for losing the tag belts later.

British Bulldog faces Bam Bam Bigelow. I’m pretty sure Bam Bam is using LTs old music. I know this music has been used for like 9 others. Mid-match, Cornette is begging Sid to team with Yokozuna. Why would he need to beg!? You get a shot at two belts dummy. Even your half-the brain that I have should get the benefits of doing that! Bam Bam takes a bump that makes me see prescriptions for somas in his future. Bulldog gets told by the ref to roll away from the corner so he can take Bam Bam’s finish – and kick out. JR gives away the main event with his poor acting by saying “I guess we can rule the Bulldog out of Cornette’s consideration.” Bulldog wins but I’m so happy that I fixed my fucked up garage door that I don’t care.

We see Salt N Peppa twerking at mania 11 which sucked.

Bob Backlund comes out with a Dictionary. Besides the Bible, probably the worst book. He brings out Shane Douglas to face Razor Ramon. Razor’s school newspaper evidently had an obituary column, according to King. Dean Douglas wins a dull ass match.

Next up, a short interview with HBK and Diesel.

Bret Hart wants revenge for Jean Pierre Lafayette stealing his jacket. It was a “gift from his mother.” He comes out in the most awesome entrance of his career and does a wild suicide dive on the pirate, flipping over mid air and making it look like a flying knee to the face. I’m convinced that this match was what led to Bret Hart’s next title reign, which he started by winning the belt from Diesel the very next PPV. The crowd is insane for Bret. The match is fantastic and the Hitman wins.

“Mom, Apple Pie and the World Wrestling Federation…it all goes together.” Vince says. What the fuck?

The Triple Header match is set with the Bulldog as his partner. They word it so that Owen can show up and fuck over fans.

“Coming through the back door.” Vince says about Yokozuna and then pauses, as if he realized it. “You wanna talk rockem sockem.” Vince says about Diesel. One of the fireworks doesn’t go off for Big Daddy Cool, who appears to be soaked in afterbirth. Bulldog drops Diesel in a suplex. Or “duplex” as the AUTOCORRECT wants to say. Yokozuna misses a Banzai drop that would have killed HBK if it landed. Owen runs in and gets jackknifed by Diesel. “The officials decision is final.” JR says. Oops. The Dudes with Attitudes win the tag titles but the decision is reversed the next night on RAW