Slamboree 93 – A Legends Reunion (that blew dicks)

slamboree1

Slamboree 93 was the very first in a series of 7 years worth of Slamboree (the plural of Slamboree). The poster for the event doesn’t show any of the matches, because they weren’t just bad – they were booked with no wrestling fan’s interest in mind. Davey Boy Smith, in the main event? I guess because he had headlined WWF Summerslam 92 (against Bret Hart in ENGLAND), WCW thought he would be a good main eventer in…Atlanta. Schiavone interrupts the announcer to open the show! The legends are already in the ring! We see Verne Gagne who, some two decades later, would kill a guy in a nursing home!


Maxx Payne plays some horrendous shit noise on his guitar. I feel like the guys in Back to the Future saying…it’s just too darn loud. Out comes the gayest thing ever.

WTF is this shit?
WTF is this shit?

And the Fabulous Moolah comes out to zero reaction!

We get a dose of nasty whore and shyster as Missy Hyatt and Eric Bischoff begin their thing. Suddenly, the lights go out on them!! And Bischoff keeps talking!

Nope, these aren't mystery opponents. The lights went out.
Nope, these aren’t mystery opponents. The lights went out.

For some reason, Stings planned match against Scott Norton is changed to Sting vs The Prisoner. The explanation is that, “The Prisoner met Scott Norton in a fight and won” somewhere in a back alley. Seriously.

A young black lady laughs at the horrible moves on Marcus Bagwell.

That mahfacker can't dance
That mahfacker can’t dance

He and 2 Cold Scorpio slap FIVE like seventy-eight times. Apple was confused by the word “eight” and fought me the whole way to change it to “night.” That team faces Beautiful Bobby and Chris Benoit. Bagwell sucks, like always.

See this in the UFC a lot?
See this in the UFC a lot?

I hate him over that. And he did it about 10 seconds later, again, exactly. Did he go to the Merry Melodies school of selling? He does it some more. Benoit has zebra print on. Zybsko predicts the video of this event will become a collectors item. His estimation of VHS quality would be off, somewhat. In what was probably responsible for damaging part of Benoit’s brain, Scorpio comes off the top and lands (and bounces off of) his skull.

Benoit's head is under Scopio's ass. This was after he jumped off the top.
Benoit’s head is under Scopio’s ass. This was after he jumped off the top.

It’s bad. Obviously, Scorpio and Bagwell win.

Heavy Metal Van Hammer faces a mystery opponent. A gurney, lowered to the floor and in the seated up position, is wheeled out. Never shown again. Sid Vicious! He wins with a big power bomb!!

Bischoff talks to some fans or legends I’ve never heard of.

Next up, Penis Murdoch, Don Muraco and Superfly Jimmy Snuka (killer guy) face Wahoo McDaniel, Black Jack Mulligan and, big star here, Jumpin Jim Brunzell. The names are shown with no regard to who is on the screen. Dick Murdoch appears to be in better shape than CM Punk.

BitW?
BitW?

Dirty Dick slips on the turnbuckle and the crowd laughs. The match is thrown out. A fuck finish. Snuka gets hit in the chest. It not only doesn’t stop him – it propels him further against the force he felt.

Dr. Claw (or Mad Dog Vachon) starts talking and then the Assassin shows off a mask that fits.

Looks like they only had kid sized masks.
Looks like they only had kid sized masks

Thunderbolt Patterson and an Armstrong take on Baron Von Rasche and Ivan Kellogg. No one knows what ANYONE SAYS. It looks like a melee at the nursing home. Lots of high spots in this one. Thunderbolt Patterson wins with the 450 splash.

Just kidding. He sort of fell into him.
Just kidding. He sort of fell into him.

In the middle of Flair for the Gold, we hear Zybysko go “Hi John!” Probably the greatest wrestler ever joins the Horsemen to a smattering of about two people applauding.

Nice smile
Nice smile

Dory Funk Jr (also known as Pope John Paul II) with Gene Kinitski faces Nick Bockwinkle with Verne Gagne. After the ref clearly sees Gene Kiniski run into the ring and stomp Funk. It’s a draw though.

Bischoff interviews Lou thesz, who invented a stone cold move and Bob Geigel, who invented the Geigel Counter, which is used to detect radiation.

Rick Rude and Paula Orndorff face Dusty Rhodes Jr and Suzuki. I miss most of the match because some slow talking mouth breather called me. Rude wins

Gordon Solie gets a nice reaction next. The graphic is stuck to the bottom of the screen because idiots direct this.

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Mr. Wrestling 2, Verne Gagne, Lou Thesz and Eddie Graham go into the hall of fame. His son, Mike, sports a faggoty earring.

Missy Hyatt interviews some legends who are talking so low, there isn’t a chance we will hear them.

Sting faces Nailz…I mean, the Prisoner. Prisoner gets a “boss man”  chant. Sting seems to really phone it in. Doesn’t give a shit and leaves when it’s over without caring, even though he wins.

The Crusher delivers a bunch of names he can’t remember and this next segment sucks.

Steamboat and Douglas are announced but two people in red and green Christmas pajamas come out with masks and sombreros. Steamboat takes the mic and says these outfits brought them good luck. Really dumb. Hollywood Blondes are out for a cage match. Steamboat dives off the top of the cage onto the Hollywood Blondes. Idiot rings the bell early, ruins the match. The Hollywood Blondes actually win.

Dusty Rhodes says ass. Wrestling 2 forgets the Assassin’s name but is good on the mic. Stu Hart rambles.

Next, Arn Anderson and Barry Windham go at it. This is a match I have wanted to see. But in typical WCW fashion, we get an ending that isn’t fulfilling. Windam wins after hitting Arn with the belt. The mat looks cheap as shit.

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Davey Boy Smith is out, thankful without a microphone. The bad asses come out.

Killers
Killers

And can you believe we get a decent match? But things go wrong. He splashes Davey Boy, who misses his cue to move. He actually lands on his SKULL. Vader shouts “SHIT.” Then suddenly starts selling his abdomen. To cap off a night of shit finishes, Vader gets himself disqualified and Davey Boy Smith wins.

Finally, in the credits (for a wrestling show…) we see Virgil.

"The American Dream" Virgil Runnels
“The American Dream” Virgil Runnels
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