The 1996 Survivor Series was an important night in wrestling history including the Rock’s debut, a new logo and lots of fun. It’s the Survivor Series! Sponsored by Milton Bradley’s Karate Fighters. I bought them because of this. They sucked dick.

Out of the gate, the World Trade Center is heavy in the logo.The lower thirds (name graphics) all have the buildings in them. Sort of sad, looking back. Fucking religion.

The British Bulldog and Owen Hart, the tag team champions, are teamed with the Rockers to face Doug Furnas and Phillip Lafon along with the fucking hillbillies, the Godwins. My mom texts me at 5 am distracting me as Henry and Marty both get eliminated. Phineas is power slammed and eliminated by the Bulldog. Furnas about breaks his neck on a botched drop kick. Lafon eliminates Leif Cassidy with a reverse suplex that looks near fatal. Furnas hits the best drop kick I’ve seen, rivaling Bob Holly and Jim Brunzel. Furnas and Lafon beat the tag champions and the sole survivors are the debuting stars. Won’t be the only occurrence of such a debut tonight.

It’s time for The Undertaker vs Mankind, in a follow up to the Buried Alive match last month at In Your House. Paul Bearer will also be suspended in a cage. Vince calls it a shark cage and says maybe it’s a whale cage, in reference to Paul Bearer’s size. The shark doesn’t go in the cage, stupid. It’s to protect people from sharks. Batman shows up from the rafters. Actually, it is the Unfertaker in a black leather outfit. Big change of costume for him. It’s funny how the announcers try to avoid saying “dead.” “This rivalry may not end until one of these men…is completely incapacitated.” I just realized that I’ve never heard either of these two call a spot in the ring. Oh yeah Undertaker has a tear under his eye. So he killed someone. Mankind has his big joint again and stabs Take but he lands the Tombstone and wins. Paul Bearer is lowered down but the Executioner saves him. Then, he totally no-sells a flying clothesline from the one guy I would sell for if he patted me on the back – Mean Mark Calaway. Sets up their match for the next In Your House, which will also be the last appearance for this jobber.

WWF is on America Online. Sunny comes out to her brand new theme music. VINCE STARTS DANCING. I had to rewatch that. Sunny says she is multi-talented. Vince pitches to Doc with a smile on his face (they’ve fucked). Doc’s mic is cut off at the beginning.

YES. King is out and almost punches a fan!!! You understand this motherfucker is the greatest ever right? King isn’t just a gimmick. He teams with Goldust, non-steroid Crush and HHH, the Intercontinental Champion. He does a halfway crotch chop! Out of the dog house finally, are we? They face the good guy team including of Marc Mero, with Sable, The Stalker, Rocky Maivia (debuting) and Jake The Snake Roberts. Sadly, his shirt is off. Speaking of bad looks, Sable’s hair looks like shit. Sunny says Sable’s silicone might catch on fire. Seriously? Sunny mentions that she is the most downloaded person ever, at 1 million “downloads.” If you had a Back to the Future Deloreon and could go to 2015, how different would that one be!?! I’m $25 away from her finger being inside that baboon mouth with a tongue stuck out twat while she screams my name on Skype. JR mentions Rocky’s football credentials and Vince is just like shut up. Sunny isn’t good on commentary.

Jake DDTs King and eliminates him. Marc Mero gets pounded and Sable advices him to “Come on.” It eventually comes down to Rocky Maivia against Crush and Goldust. “2 on 1, I like the sound of that.” Sunny says. Rocky eliminates Crush and then beats Goldust and wins the match. His hair is about a foot above his head. JR calls him Rock!

Time for my favorite match of the show. It’s Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. the returning Bret “The Hitman” Hart. Austin delivers a 5 star prematch promo. JR says “I think it could come down to a submission match,” not realizing it actually will at Wrestlemania 13. Hitman gets a tremendous reception. JR says “He ain’t no clown. He ain’t no trash man. He’s a wrestler.” How much shit can Vince take? Seriously! JR says neither superstar had ever submitted in their career, which is not true. Off the top of my head, I can recall Bret submitting in his early years to moves.

I’m not really doing much but making notes in this match. I want to savor it like a fine wine. It’s really one of my favorite matches ever. For some reason, Vince corrects or disagrees with JR on every meaningless thing he can. We hear that Austin will face Vader on Raw tomorrow in a “tough man contest.” Vader, interestingly, isn’t on the card tonight. Considering his fucking up in recent months, I can guess why. (Summerslam, In Your House Mind Games). Vince calls an inverted atomic drop “reverse piledrive.” Bret hits the turnbuckle with his chest and it does the click thing. He wrote that he did this trick by hitting one of the two corners that the ropes met, at. The More You Know TM.

Fuuuck, this match is good. “Let’s go Hitman” chants break out. That’s new. In reference to Austin 3:16 signs to Stone Cold, Jim Ross says “He could care less. Absolutely could care less.” which means he has more concern for it than he possibly could. If he “couldn’t care less,” then it would mean he cared as little as possible. Dumbass Oklahoman.

“What a maneuver.” Vince says, twice in a row. Bret counters the Million Dollar Dream to pin Stone Cold. 5 star match. Also, JR says neither Sid or HBK could have beaten Bret tonight. Vince totally disagrees and JR pisses him off.

Sid has a hat on backward that fits like a yamaka. He says hey I’m cray cray I’m gon win.

The guy from Super Mario Brothers Supershow comes out. I love Captain Lou. I heard he called Vince an “Irish motherfucker.” Like he didn’t care and would just insult him.

Fake Razor Ramon comes out and his fireworks fuck up. Diesel/Kane comes out and his pyro just doesn’t go off. Kane says “Fuck it.” Savio Vega and Yokozuna come out. Flash Funk comes out with his cock looking huge. Mick Foley wrote that he had a biggun. Suspected murderer, Jimmy Snuka comes out to team up with the good guys. Cornette sells it like this old fuck is a threat. Vince has to tell him to settle down because this isn’t that big of a deal. Farooq debuts his new ring gear, losing the stupid gladiator outfit. Snuka slams Vader!! He was inducted into the Hall of Fame the night before. Diesel-Kane beats Savio, and then Snuka does his Superfly splash on Razor to beat him. I guess they ran out of time because Diesel gets a chair and Savio comes out with a chair. It ends with a double DQ.

Main event time. We hear the heartbeat music on the stars walk to the ring. I believe that is the first time. Sid comes out and is easily the favorite. His SID fireworks also debut.

There’s an interesting comment up. Vince says no one that has worn that belt has ever given more. JR says “And you really mean that don’t you?” I have a theory that JR was on board the Bret Hart wagon.

The match opens with Sid getting in the offense. Shawn had been the major aggressor in his other matches…but Shawn takes over quickly. So do fans boos. Shawn has the crowd on him tonight. Sid is breathing insanely hard.

Shawn carries Sid to a pretty good match. You can hear Shawn calling every spot loud enough for Beethoven to hear. Sid grabs a camera and hits Jose in the chest, giving him a heart attack. Sid then ends up hitting Shawn with the camera and telling him “Fuck you! Fuck you.” He powerbombs the dickhead and ends the reign of terror. Some of the girls scream but the MSG crowd pops huge. Having sat front row at MSG, I am proud of this moment. A big guy from a small Arkansas town makes it all the way to the top of the world in MSG.

Let’s be honest – this was a two match event. Sid/Shawn and mainly Austin/Hart. Undertaker/Mankind was their weakest match yet. I actually hated most of the Survivor Series matches themselves. This event gets a 6/10, literally 80% of which is Bret Hart and Stone Cold and 20% of which is HBK who carried his whole match.