In Your House 14: Revenge of the Taker was a big clusterfuck.

In-Your-House-142

In Your House: Revenge of the Taker followed the worst performing Wrestlemania in history, 13. “WALCOME EVERYONE!” Vince screams. The trio of Vince, JR and King Jerry Lawler are on commentary.

Uggghhhhhhh WHAT A RUSH! The Legion of Doom faces Bulldog and Owen. Smith and Hart use Bret’s theme, as the Hart Foundation had just recently reformed as a heel stable. “Hey Ross, you ever stop to think and forget to start again?” King begins the night with. LOD win the belts by pinning the wrong man. The decision gets reversed and the match continues. The commentators missed every second of it while arguing. Vince pretty much says it twice. He calls for the replay three times. The LOD hits the Doomsday Device on Owen and Bret Hart is late running out. The referee has to stall and finally counts so Bret can cause the DQ. When the finish gets botched, it’s a big deal. This show will see even more of this tonight.

We see Sunny and Brian Pillman basically fucking on the Superstar line. I’m sure they really did hook up, considering Sunny will finger-fuck herself on Skype for a $20 in 2015. Sick of Sunny jokes yet? I’m not!

Savio faces The Rock, for his IC Title. Farooq comes down and says he plans to kill Ahmed Johnson. Lol. He really says “it’s his life or my life.” I love it. King says you won’t be able to understand him because “he’s hooked on ebonics.” Rocky actually uses what will be called, in the future, the Rock Bottom. Rocky gets counted out thanks to Crush! Vince forgets that titles don’t change hands on count outs. The Nation begins beating the shit out of Rocky. This wakes up Ahmed Johnson, who runs to the ring in his pajamas. He calls Savio Vega “an illegal immigrant.” He says he will fight the whole Nation.

UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock is on AOL. He will challenge Mike Tyson on Raw tomorrow.

Doc Hendrix interviews Marc Mero by the men’s room. Owen and Bulldog jump Austin while he’s shitting.

Double J Jesse James (the Road Dogg) comes out, which is comedic to me. I had to laugh. He faces his future New Age Outlaw partner, Billy Gunn. He’s now “Rockabilly” managed by the Honky Tonk Man. Remember – this was come up with almost a year after WCW did the nWo. Still think Vince is a genius? Vince says Jesse James might be seeing stars and King says “If he looks over here at me!” Jesse James hits Billy ten times. King is glad he didn’t hit him more because “these people would have to take their shoes off to count to 20.” The REAL Double J wins with a roll up.

The Undertaker door banner is only $30 bucks! What costs more – Undertaker’s door banner or Sunny’s live finger in her pussy on Skype in 2015?

Backstage interview. Monsoon is going to give Stone Cold time to recover from the strenuous shit he took earlier. He makes the main event Austin/Hart. Some weird haired guy named Lance Wright is there with the Harts. I’ve never seen him again or before this. Owen claims the men’s room was his locker room.

You ever take a shit, wipe, sit down and feel a near certainty that you may have forgot to wipe an entire ass cheek?

Mankind and Undertaker collide once more in their storied rivalry. The match is definitely one of their better contests (until the end). Mankind burned Undertaker with one of Lawler’s fireball gimmicks. Memphis fans know what I’m saying here. Speaking of The King, in kayfabe, he asks Vince what the WWF suits would do to market Mankind. “I’m sure they would think of something.” Indeed, they did. Undertaker puts Mankind through a table, head first. I don’t know how they did this spot without Foley dying but it’s the coolest table bump I have ever seen. I remember once, I was playing with WWF Jakks Pacific action figures. I had some Legos and made announce tables out of them. King and JR were sitting at it – JRs legs didn’t bend so he was sort of laying diagonally. Undertaker figure knocked Mankind figure off of the doorknob, and he went head first through the table EXACTLY LIKE THIS SPOT. I tried about 100 times to recreate this moment, but it wouldn’t happen. I had a whole motor-oil box full of figures. (I’m from Arkansas.)

So Undertaker wins the match and it’s a tremendously satisfying ending. If it had stopped there, they’d have felt amazing about the night. Unfortunately, this is WWF. Mankind is fucking with the worst lighter ever (one of the cheap ones, not even a Bic. Someone wanted to save a dollar…). Taker is supposed to throw Paul Bearer into Mankind as he lights a piece of flash paper and actually shoves him twice but Foley can’t get the lighter to work!! Taker improvises, stealing the lighter. “Come on” he shouts at it, unable to get it to work. Finally, after several torturous attempts, he gets it.

Main event is up next. My all time favorite, Bret Hart, comes to the ring. Think about it. He’s the guy who REALLY stood up to Vince McMahon and punched him out. Watch one of his matches, too. Flawless unless the idiot he works with does something. He carried so many pieces of shit to excellent matches. Tonight, he doesn’t have as much carrying to do. He faces alleged wife beater, Stone Cold Steve Austin. So they’re battling all over and King starts mouthing to Gorilla Monsoon, who wanted to sit by and watch the match. You hear Monsoon shout “Shut up!” And King reacts! Classic.

Ross says these guys don’t care to lose. That one pisses King off. “Nobody wants to lose, Ross!” He says condescendingly. “I unnerstand that, Kang.” JR replies. Then, he starts naming off body parts. “OK, Dr. Ross!” Lawler says. JR says you won’t find those in the Henny Youngman joke book “in front of you.”

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Hitman puts Austin in a figure-four. Ross and McMahon start talking about the late Buddy Rogers. “Who cares about ancient history?” King says!!! lol!

Match continues until Austin puts Bret in the Sharpshooter. Bulldog and Owen cause a disqualification, giving Stone Cold his first win over The Hitman. Still, a DQ finish for your main event fucking sucks. I, then – and now, believe Austin should have gotten a victory, even if it was a dirty win, via pinfall. That’s coming from someone that hates Austin and loves Bret.

Anyway, this show was really just a big clusterfuck that happened to have excellent wrestling matches too. 5/10 show.

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