Decided to review Bad Blood 2003, because why not? The theme for the event was the worst song ever. Headstrong by Trapt. I knew a dude that played that around girls. Idiot. This was also at a time when Stone Cold and Eric Bischoff were co-GMs, so we see their picture randomly during the open.

The Dudley Boys open. DVon has a Gatorade style shirt on. DVon has been wondering why his white brother has been telling him to get the tables…they face Rodney Mack and Christoper Nowinski. Mack is managed by Teddy Long, who will use his theme song forever, despite Mack’s short tenure. The crowd is actually into this and chants Harvard sucks at Nowinski. I am drooling randomly. Why does Bubba grab his dick when hitting people? DVon gets hung up on the tables shit and Nowinski pins Bubba with a cheap shot!!

So we will have a redneck triathlon between Bischoff and Austin. They must do a pie eating contest. It is, however, a pussy eating contest according to Stone Cold. First tho, a burping contest. They’re just doing sound effect burps and it’s dumber than fuck. Terri Hard Nips Runnels holds the microphone. This ends up being just stupid if not gross. Burps are just mouth farts and I don’t want to hear or breathe air from your guts.

Test is out next, playing a heel and a quite effective one. I always liked him around this time. He faces Scott Steiner, in a battle of who can take more steroids. We begin with one of the greatest botches of all time and one that the crowd is visibly laughing over for a while. Steiner slips off of the apron to jump at test and his hands make contact with Test’s heels!!! The WWE Network version edits the botch to be more incognito but YouTube will never fail you.

“Hah?” Steiner seems intent on asking the audience. “Fuck you” he says to Test. Test comes back and grabs Stacy on the apron. “I told you I was going to knock you out, whore.” he says, to get slapped. Test shoves her down! Violence against women! Steiner wins the match after Test hits himself with a chair. Steiner does some kind of grab and fall slam, probably designed to be impossible to botch for him. He wins and grabs Stacy’s ass!! “Watch that hand!” King says. Steiner wins Stacy as a manager/material object of affection demeaning to the very female sex.

Bischoff introduces Austin to some pie/puss that he wants to eat out. I doubt I’d touch my tongue to any of their slits. They make a deal – Austin gets to pick the pussy Bischoff eats. Look I’m not joking, that’s what they’re doing. I already KNOW the payoff will be Mae Young.

Since Triple H wasn’t willing to lose the World Title to Booker T during their angle where he was presented as a criminal, Booker is facing Christian in his hometown for the IC title, that he will obviously win. See, as good of a match as this is, it is tainted by Hunter not doing the job when he should have – Mania 19. It feels like a consolation prize at BEST for Booker, which we know he is gonna get thanks to wrestling being fake. One thing – Christian is debuting a new look this PPV. It’ll be the one he stays with for the rest of his career. It is far better than long hair, which made him look like Vigo the Carpathian. Guess what? I was wrong! Booker T got shit on AGAIN!! I can’t believe it…Christian got DQed and left with the belt. Booker wins.

Advertisement for JRs cookbook. I bought it…

Pussy eating contest is next. You hate the PG era, still? King hosts it. Austin and Bischoff come out. Austin says their “pie” will not be eaten – again a euphemism for their vagina – and they appear really upset that they won’t be eaten out. And sure enough, Mae Young comes out. King says “you said pie not cheesecake!” Bischoff agrees and makes out with her. Then she gets him in the corner and rubs her cunt in his face. She has sardines in her thong, we know from stories. Austin, who is ok with beating women, stuns Mae. It’s 1-1.

A matrix promo for Gail Kim, who famously once quit the WWE by eliminating herself from the ring.

LA Resistance challenged for the tag titles against RVD and Kane. It’s a lackluster experience. La Resistance wins with a double chokeslam on RVD. This was part of the lead up to Kane demasking, which ended up being a big deal on Raw that year.

Goldberg and Jericho face off next. The cool thing about this is that Jericho actually choked Goldberg’s ass out in a real fight backstage. I’ll never forgive this idiot for ending Bret Hart’s career. Goldberg gets his ass booed lol!!!! Goldberg sucks chants. He pie faces the ref at one point. Jericho is over with the Bad Blood crowd. Goldberg also has his Roddy Piper/Wrestlemania 6 tights on. Half black half white and all cheese. Y2J chants, which Vince has JR acknowledge. Goldie wins – barely – against the guy Fandango beat. Then, Goldberg acts like a total professional with a member of the WWE Universe.

King things JR had brought his relatives from the next shot – a hog pen in the arena. They spin the wheel and land on the shittiest thing possible – sing off. With “Monster Truck Rally,” “Cow Tipping,” and so many other choices, it’s a let down.

Next up, a match we don’t often hear about in 2015, because it is overshadowed by the career ender for Flair. The build was incredible though. Michaels is out with is Royal Rumble 1997 tights on. The match itself is a pretty entertaining bout – not as good as the career ender – but just as it looks solid for HBK, Orton slams his skull with a chair shot and Flair wins, much to the crowd’s delight.

The redneck triathlon will conclude with Bischoff returning to the ring. He lip synchs…his own theme song. Then he sings it and is off key and off rhythm so bad, it causes instant headache. Austin selects pig pen fun, totally abandoning the rules, and then throws Bischoff into pig shit. Not before he beats the shit out of him, for Vince’s pleasure no doubt. Austin drinks like 18 beers. He will likely drive in minutes.

Our main event concludes the show. It wasn’t a promising bout. Kevin Nash, halfway over, faces the best heel ever, HHH. It’s a HELL IN A CELL which we know they will not climb, considering their legs suck. Mick Foley is the guest referee to do something insane. Now, what is common to wrestling fans but weird to anyone else alive happens – one of the wrestlers takes a razor blade and slices his forehead to begin bleeding. It creates the illusion that he is busted open. Hunter hits him with a hammer and tries to stab his brains with a screw driver. Good for children. Folks, I hate the set for this show. Blood drops. It made the PPV suck. They were doing this shit too, like having a keyboard for Taboo Tuesday. Everyone cuts their head with razors and prepares to get AIDS. Foley takes a bump against the cell from the ring. Hunter kicks out of the jackknife. He nails Nash with the “Great Equalizer” and Pedigrees Nash, winning. The heel overcame two babys with no interference.

Fucking awesome.

Bad Blood 2003 ends with Evolution (no Batista yet) celebrating. Flair cusses Foley and says fuck at least once. The show was actually easy to watch toward the end, although it did begin slow. HBK and Flair delivered, Hunter delivered and Jericho/Goldy did ok, despite the resistance to Goldberg. I’ll rate the show a 6/10.